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Cuando yo era pequeño, a las siete y media de la mañana daban la carta de ajuste (con largas interrupciones publicitarias). Ahora, a excepción de un par de series de dibujos de apariencia verdaderamente deprimente (o al menos a mí a esas horas me lo parece), dan teletiendas y noticiosos apresurados por la urgencia de empezar con la emisión de la caspa caspa amarilla y rosa. Pese a que mi madrugón venía a justificarse con la intención de entregarme a hacer algo productivo por la humanidad, la verdad es que no di un palo al agua hasta las tantas (¿Vale como excusa el que me dejó alelao el gñeeee televisivo?).

De todas formas, la pereza nunca ha sido un obstáculo para los amantes del riesgo. Me gusta vivir al límite y, por supuesto, exagerar luego mucho, mucho y un montón cualquier chorrada. Y pensar que todo acabó bien gracias a mi taradura. Me disponía a ducharme, más que nada por si las malas lenguas, cuando sonó el teléfono. Como aún no me he comprado uno que sea sumergible y, aparte, a mis interlocutores no suele gustarles que les avise de que estoy desnudo mientra hablo con ellos; corrí a cerrar el agua caliente (que la suelo abrir un poquito antes para que vaya cogiendo color). Terminé de hablar por teléfono y en lugar de meterme al baño, lo que hubiese supuesto que descubriesemos Tania y yo las maravillas del vuelo sin motor ni cervicales, me fui a la cocina (no preguntéis por qué: necesito beber agua antes de ducharme). La cocina apestaba a gas, de hecho, el ssssssssshhhhh que salía de la caldera no me gustó ni un pelo y lo primero que hice fue gritar que nadie encendiese ningún tipo de fuego en la casa. No se por qué, pero el gas continuó saliendo después de haberse apagado los quemadores y vamos, que si me da por ir a la ducha y abrir el agua caliente y estos vuelven a encenderse, según entienden mis cortas luces, habríamos tenido souflé de gas natural para rato. Por suerte no pasó nada, abrimos las ventanas y se fue. Solo queda una anécdota que exagerar e inventar cada vez que me acuerde.

El verdadero problema fueron los daño colaterales, sin duda. Ante la incertidumbre de no saber qué coño le pasaba a la caldera, lo mejor era no encenderla hasta que viniese alguien que entendiese de barcos y la mirara. Sin embargo yo tenía que ducharme (por si las malas lenguas) y el agua que conseguía calentar en el microondas ni era demasiada ni aguantaba mucho el calor. Así que tuve que realizar uno de esos ejercicios de meditación zen que no había practicado desde la última vez que había ido de pesca. Para mí ir de pesca era dejar un extremo de la caña en el agua y sentarme al lado del otro, como la cosa no tiene gracia si no es en invierno y muy temprano, solíamos helarnos. Al igual que aquellos días, al meterme en la ducha y empezar a sentir el licor del polo picoteando sobre mi espalda, cerré los ojos, apreté los dientes e intenté convencerme a mí mismo "No hay frío, no hay dolor".

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