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¡Dios mío, nuestro horóscopo dice cosas horribles!
Imaginad al hombre aprensivo. Tan gris como su chaqueta, que regula su vida en torno al minutaje del metro y se da la lúbrica licencia los domingos de leerse todos los suplementos del diario. Es aficionado, y poco más, a las lecturas esotéricas o perversas. De pequeño se le morían las horas devorando revistillas de sucesos, aprendiendo de tebeos truculentos o atendiendo a los comadreos rurales y demás parafernalia paranoicopoiética tardofranquista. No perdió el hilo y ahora atiende con fervor a los programas sobre asesinatos que dan a la hora de cenar, para acostarse con el gusanillo.
Cada mañana, además, lee lo primero de todo en el diario su horóscopo. Dice que no creía demasiado en ellos, pero desde que en un par de ocasiones creyó entrever claras alusiones a lo que después le acontecería realmente, los respeta algo más. Sin duda debe ser así, pues hacía años que no daba un paso sin asegurarse antes connivencia de los astros. Esto le ha traido más de dos disgustos para con su esposa, quien tuvo que acceder finalmente a su empeño de postponer la boda dos semanas, porque en AMOR a él solo le venía un corazoncito. Y casi le costó el empleo cuando, debido a las dudosas dos $ que le vaticinaban esa semana, se empecinó en rechazar repetidas veces un importante ascenso que, además, urgía a la directiva realizar.
Se da un lujazo cada 11 de mayo para celebrar su cumpleaños: si las bolitas amarillas pasan de tres en DINERO se juega unos cartones de bingo; cuando gana algo y además hay un par de ellas verdes en SALUD, se ventila con su señora una botellita de buen cava. Definitivamente, aunque no lo reconozca, se pirra por saberse abocado a algo.
Ayer, al llegar a la oficina, le esperaba un iracundo socio escondido tras la puerta de su despacho. Por un quítame allá esos desfalcos el tipo estaba cegado por la ira, dispuesto a todo. Tanto que con la mano izquierda enguantada (no era zurdo pero quería simularlo) sostenía una faca de las de algo más que amedrentar.
Justo antes de entrar a la puerta, nuestro hombre sólito recuerda que esa mañana no ha leído el horóscopo. Por costumbre, se da la vuelta y se cruza con una secretaria a la que anuncia su intención de salir cinco minutos. Ella, solícita, le dice que le dejará las carpetas que le llevaba sobre su mesa, en el despacho. Pero la correspondencia si se la da y él la va leyendo conforme sale a por el periódico.
Va hacia el metro, donde aún reparten los diarios gratuitos, y se lleva un par. Sube la escalera ojeando el horóscopo en el Metro, insulso como cada día. A pesar de ello, busca también el de 20 minutos y al leerlo no puede reprimir exclamarle en vano a su secretaria Catalina, a quién sabía tres días más jóven que él: "¡Dios mío, Catalina, nuestro horóscopo dice cosas horribles!"
Cagondios... ¬¬U
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